XII
MR. MUNCHAUSEN MEETS HIS MATCH
(Reported by Henry W. Ananias for the _Gehenna Gazette_.)
When Mr. Munchausen, accompanied by Ananias and Sapphira, after a longand tedious journey from Cimmeria to the cool and wooded heights ofthe Blue Sulphur Mountains, entered the portals of the hotel where thegreater part of his summers are spent, the first person to greet himwas Beelzebub Sandboy,--the curly-headed Imp who acted as "Head Front"of the Blue Sulphur Mountain House, his eyes a-twinkle and his swiftrunning feet as ever ready for a trip to any part of the hostelry andback. Beelzy, as the Imp was familiarly known, as the party entered,was in the act of carrying a half-dozen pitchers of iced-waterupstairs to supply thirsty guests with the one thing needful and bestto quench that thirst, and in his excitement at catching sight onceagain of his ancient friend the Baron, managed to drop two of thepitchers with a loud crash upon the office floor. This, however, wasnot noticed by the powers that ruled. Beelzy was not perfect, and aslong as he smashed less than six pitchers a day on an average themanagement was disposed not to complain.
"There goes my friend Beelzy," said the Baron, as the pitchers fell."I am delighted to see him. I was afraid he would not be here thisyear since I understand he has taken up the study of theology."
"Theology?" cried Ananias. "In Hades?"
"How foolish," said Sapphira. "We don't need preachers here."
"He'd make an excellent one," said Mr. Munchausen. "He is a lad ofwide experience and his fish and bear stories are wonderful. If he canmake them gee, as he would put it, with his doctrines he would prove atremendous success. Thousands would flock to hear him for his bearstories alone. As for the foolishness of his choice, I think it is avery wise one. Everybody can't be a stoker, you know."
At any rate, whatever the reasons for Beelzebub's presence, whether hehad given up the study of theology or not, there he was plying his oldvocation with the same perfection of carelessness as of yore, andapparently no farther along in the study of theology than he was theyear before when he bade Mr. Munchausen "good-bye forever" with thestatement that now that he was going to lead a pious life the chanceswere he'd never meet his friend again.
"I don't see why they keep such a careless boy as that," saidSapphira, as Beelzy at the first landing turned to grin at Mr.Munchausen, emptying the contents of one of his pitchers into the lapof a nervous old gentleman in the office below.
"He adds an element of excitement to a not over-exciting place,"explained Mr. Munchausen. "On stormy days here the men make bets onwhat fool thing Beelzy will do next. He blacked all the russet shoeswith stove polish one year, and last season in the rush of his dailylabours he filled up the water-cooler with soft coal instead of ice.He's a great bell-boy, is my friend Beelzy."
A little while later when Mr. Munchausen and his party had been shownto their suite, Beelzy appeared in their drawing-room and was warmlygreeted by Mr. Munchausen, who introduced him to Mr. and Mrs. Ananias.
"Well," said Mr. Munchausen, "you're here again, are you?"
"No, indeed," said Beelzy. "I ain't here this year. I'm over at theCoal-Yards shovellin' snow. I'm my twin brother that died three yearsbefore I was born."
"How interesting," said Sapphira, looking at the boy through herlorgnette.
Beelzy bowed in response to the compliment and observed to the Baron:
"You ain't here yourself this season, be ye?"
"No," said Mr. Munchausen, drily. "I've gone abroad. You've given uptheology I presume?"
"Sorter," said Beelzy. "It was lonesome business and I hadn't been atit more'n twenty minutes when I realised that bein' a missionary ain'tall jam and buckwheats. It's kind o' dangerous too, and as I didn'texactly relish the idea o' bein' et up by Samoans an' Feejees I madeup my mind to give it up an' stick to bell-boyin' for another seasonany how; but I'll see you later, Mr. Munchausen. I've got to hurryalong with this iced-water. It's overdue now, and we've got thekickinest lot o' folks here this year you ever see. One man here theother night got as mad as hookey because it took forty minutes to softbile an egg. Said two minutes was all that was necessary to bile anegg softer'n mush, not understanding anything about the science ofeggs in a country where hens feeds on pebbles."
"Pebbles?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "What, do they lay Roc's eggs?"
Beelzy grinned.
"No, sir--they lay hen's eggs all right, but they're as hard as Adam'saunt."
"I never heard of chickens eating pebbles," observed Sapphira with afrown. "Do they really relish them?"
"I don't know, Ma'am," said Beelzy. "I ain't never been on speakin'terms with the hens, Ma'am, and they never volunteered no information.They eat 'em just the same. They've got to eat something and up hereon these mountains there ain't anything but gravel for 'em to eat.That's why they do it. Then when it comes to the eggs, on a diet likethat, cobblestones ain't in it with 'em for hardness, and when youcome to bite 'em it takes a week to get 'em soft, an' a steam drill toget 'em open--an' this feller kicked at forty minutes! Most likelyhe's swearin' around upstairs now because this iced-water ain't came;and it ain't more than two hours since he ordered it neither."
"What an unreasonable gentleman," said Sapphira.
"Ain't he though!" said Beelzy. "And he ain't over liberal neither.He's been here two weeks now and all the money I've got out of him wasa five-dollar bill I found on his bureau yesterday morning. There'smore money in theology than there is in him."
With this Beelzebub grabbed up the pitcher of water, and bounded outof the room like a frightened fawn. He disappeared into the dark ofthe corridor, and a few moments later was evidently tumbling head overheels up stairs, if the sounds that greeted the ears of the party inthe drawing-room meant anything.
The next morning when there was more leisure for Beelzy the Baroninquired as to the state of his health.
"Oh it's been pretty good," said he. "Pretty good. I'm all right now,barrin' a little gout in my right foot, and ice-water on my knee, an'a crick in my back, an' a tired feelin' all over me generally. Ain'thad much to complain about. Had the measles in December, and the mumpsin February; an' along about the middle o' May the whoopin' cough gota holt of me; but as it saved my life I oughtn't to kick about that."
Here Beelzy looked gratefully at an invisible something--doubtless therecollection in the thin air of his departed case of whooping cough,for having rescued him from an untimely grave.
"That is rather curious, isn't it?" queried Sapphira, gazing intentlyinto the boy's eyes. "I don't exactly understand how the whoopingcough could save anybody's life, do you, Mr. Munchausen?"
"Beelzy, this lady would have you explain the situation, and I mustconfess that I am myself somewhat curious to learn the details of thiswonderful rescue," said Mr. Munchausen.
"Well, I must say," said Beelzy, with a pleased smile at the verygreat consequence of his exploit in the lady's eyes, "if I was a-goin'to start out to save people's lives generally I wouldn't have thoughta case o' whoopin' cough would be of much use savin' a man fromdrownin', and I'm sure if a feller fell out of a balloon it wouldn'thelp him much if he had ninety dozen cases o' whoopin' cough concealedon his person; but for just so long as I'm the feller that has to comeup here every June, an' shoo the bears out o' the hotel, I ain't nevergoin' to be without a spell of whoopin' cough along about that time ifI can help it. I wouldn't have been here now if it hadn't been forit."
"You referred just now," said Sapphira, "to shooing bears out of thehotel. May I inquire what useful function in the menage of a hotel abear-shooer performs?"
"What useful what?" asked Beelzy.
"Function--duty--what does the duty of a bear-shooer consist in?"explained Mr. Munchausen. "Is he a blacksmith who shoes bears insteadof horses?"
"He's a bear-chaser," explained Beelzy, "and I'm it," he added. "That,Ma'am, is the function of a bear-shooer in the menagerie of a hotel."
Sapphira having expressed herself as satisfied, Beelzebub continued.
"You
see this here house is shut up all winter, and when everybody'sgone and left it empty the bears come down out of the mountains anduse it instead of a cave. It's more cosier and less windier than theirdens. So when the last guest has gone, and all the doors are locked,and the band gone into winter quarters, down come the bears and takepossession. They generally climb through some open window somewhere.They divide up all the best rooms accordin' to their position in bearsociety and settle down to a regular hotel life among themselves."
"But what do they feed upon?" asked Sapphira.
"Oh they'll eat anything when they're hungry," said Beelzy. "Sofacushions, parlor rugs, hotel registers--anything they can fasten theirteeth to. Last year they came in through the cupola, burrowin' downthrough the snow to get at it, and there they stayed enjoyin' life outo' reach o' the wind and storm, snug's bugs in rugs. Year before lastthere must ha' been a hundred of 'em in the hotel when I got here, butone by one I got rid of 'em. Some I smoked out with some cigars Mr.Munchausen gave me the summer before; some I deceived out, gettin' 'emto chase me through the winders, an' then doublin' back on my tracksan' lockin' 'em out. It was mighty wearin' work.
"Last June there was twice as many. By actual tab I shooed two hundredand eight bears and a panther off into the mountains. When the lastone as I thought disappeared into the woods I searched the house fromtop to bottom to see if there was any more to be got rid of. Everyblessed one of the five hundred rooms I went through, and not a bearwas left that I could see. I can tell you, I was glad, because therewas a partickerly ugly run of 'em this year, an' they gave me a pileo' trouble. They hadn't found much to eat in the hotel, an' they wasdisappointed and cross. As a matter of fact, the only things theyfound in the place they could eat was a piano stool and an old hairtrunk full o' paper-covered novels, which don't make a very heartymeal for two hundred and eight bears and a panther."
"I should say not," said Sapphira, "particularly if the novels were aslight as most of them are nowadays."
"I can't say as to that," said Beelzy. "I ain't got time to read 'emand so I ain't any judge. But all this time I was sufferin' likehookey with awful spasms of whoopin' cough. I whooped so hard once itsmashed one o' the best echoes in the place all to flinders, an' ofcourse that made the work twice as harder. So, naturally, when I foundthere warn't another bear left in the hotel, I just threw myself downanywhere, and slept. My! how I slept. I don't suppose anything everslept sounder'n I did. And then it happened."
Beelzy gave his trousers a hitch and let his voice drop to a stagewhisper that lent a wondrous impressiveness to his narration.
"As I was a-layin' there unconscious, dreamin' of home and father, agreat big black hungry bruin weighin' six hundred and forty-threepounds, that had been hidin' in the bread oven in the bakery, where Ihadn't thought of lookin' for him, came saunterin' along, hummin' alittle tune all by himself, and lickin' his chops with delight at theidee of havin' me raw for his dinner. I lay on unconscious of mydanger, until he got right up close, an' then I waked up, an' openin'my eyes saw this great black savage thing gloatin' over me an' tearsof joy runnin' out of his mouth as he thought of the choice meal hewas about to have. He was sniffin' my bang when I first caught sightof him."
"Mercy!" cried Sapphira, "I should think you'd have died of fright."
"At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fellover backwards on the floor." _Chapter XII._]
"I did," said Beelzy, politely, "but I came to life again in a minute.'Oh Lor!' says I, as I see how hungry he was. 'This here's the end o'me;' at which the bear looked me straight in the eye, licked his chopsagain, and was about to take a nibble off my right ear when 'Whoop!' Ihad a spasm of whoopin'. Well, Ma'am, I guess you know what thatmeans. There ain't nothin' more uncanny, more terrifyin' in the wholerun o' human noises, barrin' a German Opery, than the whoop o' thewhoopin' cough. At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fellover backwards onto the floor; at the second he scrambled to his feetand put for the door, but stopped and looked around hopin' he wasmistaken, when I whooped a third time. The third did the business.That third whoop would have scared Indians. It was awful. It was likea tornado blowin' through a fog-horn with a megaphone in front of it.When he heard that, Mr. Bear turned on all four of his heels andstarted on a scoot up into the woods that must have carried him tenmiles before I quit coughin'.
"An' that's why, Ma'am, I say that when you've got to shoo bears for alivin', an attack o' whoopin' cough is a useful thing to have around."
Saying which, Beelzy departed to find Number 433's left boot which hehad left at Number 334's door by some odd mistake.
"What do you think of that, Mr. Munchausen?" asked Sapphira, as Beelzyleft the room.
"I don't know," said Mr. Munchausen, with a sigh. "I'm inclined tothink that I am a trifle envious of him. The rest of us are not in hisclass."